Everything I Need Page 4

  “Could it have been something we did? Lena and me? I mean, I know we didn’t do anything wrong. But when he saw us it looked like he saw a ghost he got so pale.”

  I know. He looked ashen and clammy. Lost and so pained. My heart lurches again at the reminder. I shake my head, not having one clue. “I really don’t know. But I did recognize that look on his face.”

  I worry my bottom lip between my thumb and forefinger, staring off into space. Getting lost in painful memories. The knock on the door. The police standing there, sad looks on solemn faces. The absolute anguish and despair that ripped through my body with the words spoken: I’m so sorry, Ms. Masters.

  Campbell frowns then reaches out to grab my hand, bringing me back to the present. Saving me from the past. “You think he’s here because he lost someone?” she asks quietly.

  “Maybe? Like I said, he barely speaks to me when I see him. He’s always short. The few questions I’ve been able to ask him are no different. He gives as little information as possible. But it isn’t like we’ve ever had a chance to really talk either. We always just seem to run into each other long enough to say ‘hello,’ exchange a few pleasantries—on my end anyway—before moving on to whatever it was we were doing.”

  “Odd.” Campbell points out, a finger to her lips as she thinks. “Well, I hope whatever it is that he’s all right.” Her eyes stare pointedly at me before she speaks again. “Now you, sister, have some explaining to do.” Accusation heavily laced in her tone.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.

  “You said he was good-looking, Keelynn. That man there? He isn’t just good-looking. He is set-you-on-fire-with-a-single-glance, hot-damn, oh-em-gee fine!”

  I blink at her enthusiasm as Toni yells from the front of the store, “That’s exactly what I told her!”

  Campbell nods her head as if to say uh huh, I told you so, while I just shake my head.

  “You remember you’re married, right? To a very good-looking”—I pointedly look at her—“man who adores you and the ground you walk on.”

  “Pfft, of course I do. Mason knows he’s the only man that gets my pages turning.” She exaggeratedly winks at me to make sure I got her reference to books before continuing. “But that does not mean I can’t look nor does it mean that I’m blind. And that man is a tall, dark, and handsome drink of water. And you look thirsty. I mean, the tension had my panties melting.” She waves a hand in front of her face.

  “Whatever.” I roll my eyes as I feel a blush overtake my cheeks because she is so right. I am thirsty. For him.

  “Ah-ha! I knew it. You like him,” she accuses with a smile on her face. But it quickly slips when she sees the panic and worry take over mine.

  “I think you’re right,” I whisper. My eyes filling with tears. “I think I do like him, and that terrifies me because it’s too soon, isn’t it? He’s too different from Trevor. From me. I don’t even know him, Cam. A few run ins shouldn’t warrant how I feel whenever I see him. Or have me thinking about him all the time. But I can’t help it and it terrifies me. Am I crazy?”

  “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” She pulls me into her arms, speaking into my ear. “Trevor would’ve wanted you to be happy. And to move on.” Her sad eyes plead with me to hear her as she leans back from our embrace. “It’s been almost two years, honey. I know I could never truly know what you’ve been going through, but trust me when I say it’s not too soon. Your feelings aren’t crazy. And it’s also okay to be scared. Just follow your heart, it won’t guide you wrong.”

  I lean in and hug my sister tight. Thanking her without words. Thinking over what she said and wondering if it’s the fact that Merrick makes me feel things I’ve never felt before—not even with Trevor—that has me so scared. Or if it’s just the moving on part in general. Whatever it is though, I do know for certain that he has the ability to obliterate whatever remaining pieces of my heart are intact. Which has fear rolling over me all over again.

  We pull apart and Campbell wipes the tears from my cheeks. “Now, let’s get to my daughter before she eats herself into a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie coma. You know Toni won’t tell her no.”

  A swift breeze picks up the ends of my dark hair. Fluttering them around me. I gather the mass and drag it over my left shoulder where I do up a quick braid to keep it out of my face.

  My heart heavy. My eyes filling with tears. My soul aching from loss. Just like every other time I’ve visited him. It never gets easier.

  It’s been three days since Merrick walked out of Between the Pages in a flurry of anger and pain. I haven’t seen him at all, and I’ve been worried ever since he all but ran out the door. Because of that, and what today means, I needed to get out.

  As I walk down the row, grass crinkling below the black flats on my feet. The suddenly cool and crisp autumn weather turning the green leaves into a colorful array of reds and yellows, purples and oranges. They fall around me as I walk.

  Almost there.

  I heave a deep breath when I see it. His headstone. Black and gleaming in the autumn sun. The tears fall and wet my cheeks. A chill running through my body as the breeze stirs across my face.

  I stop at his grave, shimmying around to the side to stand near the stone, not wanting to step on where he rests. But needing to be nearer, closer to him.

  Trevor was the love of my life. The boy I fell in love with. The man I thought I’d spend forever with. He knew me inside and out. My many flaws. My greatest triumphs. My biggest fears.

  So when I’m feeling extra low, or confused, or need to share my joys or sadness, I come to see him. To talk to him. Just like I would have done if he were still here. Still breathing. Still loving and laughing. Living.

  “I felt you today.” My soft whisper carries along the breeze when I finally speak. Fluttering along with the leaves. I tighten my sweater around me to help ward off the September chill.

  “I smiled at something Toni said, and the sun broke through the clouds and I felt you. I could smell a faint scent of your familiar cologne. I could feel your warm embrace.” My tears keep falling. My heart keeps pounding. My soul keeps aching.

  “For a split second it was like you were there with me. Right there. Alive and well. Holding me in your arms.” I sniffle back a sob as it bubbles in my throat.

  No one knows I come out here as often as I do. They don’t know how hard I truly struggle every day without him. My happy face and big smiles hide the hurt and pain. Even though I really do believe everything happens for a reason, and believe in being optimistic, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

  As silent tears continue to fall, I stand there, taking in what remains of the only man I’ve ever loved. All while thinking of the mysterious man I can’t keep from my thoughts.

  “I don’t know if you sent him to me,” I tell Trevor. Speaking aloud and praying he can still hear me. “But I’d like to believe you did. I’d like to believe you’d want me to be happy. To move on. To feel what I’m feeling right now, how you made me feel every single day, to feel that way about someone else.” I bring a closed fist up to my chest. Rubbing the ache that’s settled deep. “Because I feel it, Trevor. After such a short amount of time, I feel it.”

  My head hangs heavy between my shoulders. Tears falling to the ground below me. “And that terrifies me. Because I have no idea what it means and how it could happen so fast. Or if it’s even right. I don’t even know this man, but it feels like I do. It feels like I’ve known him my entire life. Like we share a deeper connection than what’s on the surface. But that’s crazy, right? Because I’ve only had a handful of conversations with him. He’s barely spoken to me. And he can’t even freaking smile, Trevor.”

  I shake my head at my ranting to my deceased fiancé. Sounding even crazier than I am for just talking to him. Because I can’t have any type of feelings for a man so closed off, so pained, so unhappy. Can I?

  “I just don’t know what to do. I miss you so much. Gramma and Gramps, too. So
me days it still feels like yesterday. While other days it feels like it’s been a million years since I’ve heard their laughs or seen your smiling face.” A fresh round of tears start rolling down my cheeks.

  I sigh when I realize my heart hurts a little less from talking with Trevor. Just like it always does when I visit him. But I’m no less scared than I was when I got here. Because for some reason it feels like I’m losing him all over again. That allowing my thoughts of Merrick will somehow erase Trevor from my life.

  I smile softly as I stand there, staring at what’s left of the best boy, friend, and man I’ve ever known. While thoughts of dark eyes and a brooding stare make my heart ache for a whole new reason.

  “I’ll always love you,” I declare on a whisper. Because it’s true. No matter where I am. No matter what I’m doing. No matter who else fills my heart, Trevor will always hold his very own piece of it.

  Kissing my fingers, I place them atop the cold marble, soaking up the feel, before whispering, “Happy birthday, Trev.”

  THE SHRILL SOUND OF A phone ringing pierces through the fog of my mind. Pulling me from the terrors of my past that now mix with Keelynn’s beautiful, smiling face.

  My heart pounds as confusion settles like a heavy blanket over me. One minute it was Stacy’s terrified face staring up at me. Then as she hit the ground, blue eyes turned to deep green and black hair to chestnut brown. What the fuck? My mind is even more fucked-up than usual.

  My eyes pull open, the early morning light surrounding me doing nothing to take away the chill that courses through my bones. A few heaving breaths pass through my aching throat when I realize the sound is still going.

  My phone.

  Reaching blindly to the table next to me, my hand lands on the offending object as it vibrates and continues to ring.

  Squinting, a name from my past flashes across the screen. Making me flinch as it always does because of the memories that name brings with him. We haven’t spoken in months. Not since he tracked me down the last time.

  “It’s been a while,” I answer in way of greeting. Not even bothering to ask how he got my new number. Working for the FBI has its perks, since my shit is on lockdown to keep my cover.

  “Too fucking long, brother.” That one statement loaded down with so much bullshit there isn’t enough time in a day to sift through it.

  Tanner clears his throat at my silence before continuing. “Sorry it’s early, but I’m on my way into the office. Figured you didn’t want Leslie knowing I was calling you. You know how she is.”

  His light chuckle has a barely there smirk lifting my lips at the reminder of the spitfire Tanner’s wife is. She’d haul my ass back to Maryland if she knew he had any contact with me.

  She had been great friends with Stacy. And had the same personality.

  The barely there smile diminishes in an instant at that thought.

  “How’ve you been, Merrick?” The overly casual tone of his voice doing nothing to hide the worry of a friend who was more like a brother to me for ten years.

  Tanner Hall and I met our junior year in college, right after my father passed. Becoming fast friends when we realized we both wanted to become agents. We graduated together and went on to joining the bureau together. He was the best man at my wedding, and I at his. We started families at the same time. The only difference is I lost mine. His is still living and breathing.

  “Fine,” I grunt. Uneasy with the history that talking to him brings up. “Things with you?”

  “They’re good, man. Leslie is great and Trina, she’s growing up so fa—” He stops abruptly when he realizes he brought up his eight-almost nine-year-old daughter, who used to be best friends with mine who would have been the same age. He clears his throat as if he’s going to apologize. Or even worse, continue.

  “Were you calling for a reason, Tanner?” My gruff tone hiding nothing.

  A deep breath comes through the receiver before he speaks. “I really did just want to check in, Merrick. It’s been months since I was able to track you down. Needed to make sure you were all right.” He pauses a few beats. Then he’s talking and my heart is jackhammering in my chest. “You really think she’d want you doing this, man? Putting yourself at risk like this? In danger? I get it, man, but this isn’t the right way to go about things. And you’re not moving on. Stacy, she’d want—”

  A growl rips through my chest. Audible through the receiver. And even as the pain of losing my wife and daughter crashes over me in a fresh wave, deep green eyes flash through my mind at his mention of moving on. “Don’t speak their fucking names. You hear me? You think you know what this feels like, but you have no fucking clue. In the blink of an eye I lost everything, Tanner. Everything. The two most important aspects of my life—of me—gone. And if it takes me the rest of my fucking life to seek retribution for them, then you can fucking bet I’ll gladly spend every waking minute making it happen.”

  “Merrick, brother—”

  “No,” I force through clenched teeth. My hand gripping my phone so tightly I swear I hear the casing crack. “This conversation is over. As you can hear, I’m alive and fucking well.”

  “You may be alive, brother, but are you really living?”

  And with that final comment I hang up and smash my phone against the wall.

  I’m standing outside of Between the Pages, wondering what in the hell I’m doing here. All I know is that after I got off the phone with Tanner this morning, I’ve been unable to think of anything but my past and what moving on with the likes of Keelynn Masters would be like. Then I thought of how I left her a few days ago and the urge—no, need—to apologize for my actions ripped right through me. So here I am, standing here like a goddamn idiot, getting ready to apologize when that’s something I never fucking do. But I need to be with her. She’s different. She’s good. A bright ray of sunshine through my dark clouds of gray.

  As I’m getting ready to step to the door, it opens and out steps all five foot of dark hair, flawless skin, and deep curves. Her loose sweater and leggings doing nothing to hide what has to be the sexiest body from my sight.

  She turns after locking the door from the outside and lets out a scream. “Damn it, Merrick. You ‘bout damn near gave me a heart attack. You make it a habit of sneaking up on unsuspecting women at night?”

  My cock swells at the curse coming from those lips. I’ve never heard her swear before. I’d like to hear it again. When she’s moaning into my ear as I’m taking her deep.

  Jesus Christ, what am I thinking? You’re here to apologize, asshole.

  “Didn’t mean to scare you,” I rumble. Not making my case any better since I sound like a damn bear. I clear my throat and offer an apology. “I’m sorry.”

  She looks down for a moment before looking back up at me. And like a blow to the chest I realize she hasn’t smiled once since she turned around. I need her to smile. It’s vital. Like the air I breathe. When the fuck did this woman become to mean so goddamn much? A dozen run ins and as many words shouldn’t add up to how I feel. But fuck all if it matters. She’s got me tied up and so damn confused.

  “It’s fine,” she mumbles before walking around me. Heading down the sidewalk to walk to a side lot where I’m assuming her car is parked.

  I follow immediately. One, to apologize. And two, because I don’t like the idea of her walking to her car at night. Not one fucking bit. I don’t care how safe this town seems or how well lit the street and parking lot are.

  I know what can happen when you least expect it.

  “Is there a reason you’re following me now, too?” She doesn’t even glance my way. Her bubbly personality and jovial tone nowhere in sight. Gone, just like her smile.

  I rub the back of my neck as I continue walking with her. “Uh, yeah. I wanted to apologize for the other day. It was rude of me, how I ran out of there like that. I, uh, your niece just reminded me of someone and I had to get out of there.” It’s the best I can do, but it’s the truth. Most of it.r />
  She stops just shy of what I presume is her car and turns to me. “Don’t worry about it. There was nothing to apologize for, but consider it accepted. I’ll see you around, Merrick.”

  Something’s off…wrong. No smiles. No laughter. No happy-go-lucky, sunshine attitude. “What’s going on, Keelynn?”

  “Nothing. Today has just been a—son of a bitch!”

  I follow where her eyes are looking to see a flat tire. All the air completely gone.

  Tears well then roll down her cheeks and she breaks. Sobs rack her body. I don’t even think, I just wrap her up in my arms and hold her close. Her lush curves fitting perfectly with my hard body.

  I don’t talk. I don’t try to ease her with words. I just hold her and let her cry it out.

  When she settles down, her tears drying and her breaths calming, I reluctantly let go and step back. “You good?”

  She nods then wipes the wetness from her cheeks. “This is just great,” she mutters.

  “You got a spare?”

  “Oh.” She sounds surprised that I’d ask. Which pisses me off. “I can call Triple A, don’t worry about it.”

  “I won’t ask again, Sunshine. You got a spare?” Her eyes bulge at the endearment that slips past my lips. My heart rate picks up because I have no idea where that came from. But I ignore it, because it’s true. She is sunshine. And when it comes to her, I’m fucked.

  “I do,” she whispers as she pops the trunk from the key fob in her hand.

  Walking to the trunk, I see the jack and grab it out before lifting the felt to grab the spare that’s stowed underneath.

  She stands next to me while I get to work changing out her tire for the spare. Quiet and staring off into space. Her mind a million miles away.

  When I get the last lug nut secured and lower the jack, I stand and put away the tools as she sinks to the hard tar below and leans against the new tire. A defeated sigh leaving her lips. A hand running through her dark locks.

  Slamming the trunk, I squat down in front of her, eyes scanning her sad face. “You all right?”