Everything I Need Read online

  Now I don’t know what to believe.

  I may have never pressed him for answers to the questions I longed to ask. But after the weeks—the months—we’ve spent together. The nights falling into bed. The days spent learning the other—or so I thought—I would have damn well thought he’d have opened up to me about a best friend.

  One that knows Merrick well enough to show up out of the blue.

  When we arrive back at my house, forgoing our planned dinner, we walk just as silently inside, removing our coats, and before the door even has a chance to close, I spin to him.

  “Who was he, Merrick?”

  He sighs. Deep and long. “A friend of mine.”

  “How do you know him?”

  Pleading eyes cut to me. Silently asking me not to do this.

  Well, too darn bad.

  He shakes his head. A large hand gripping the back of his neck. “Sunshine, please. He’s a friend. I just told you.”

  “Well, from what you told me, you didn’t have any friends. No family. Just you looking for a fresh start. Then comes this guy from a life you won’t open up to me about. So how do you know him?”

  I don’t want it to be this way, but after these last few months of learning each other, I have a right. Don’t I? Especially when I’ve been an open book to him.

  “We met in college. Worked together.”

  “Wow,” I reply. Shocked and even more hurt. “So we’re talking years. From a life you keep hidden.”

  “Keelynn, that’s not fair.”

  “No, what’s not fair is that I’ve told you everything about me. My losses, my hurts. I’ve opened up my past to you all while taking the tiny crumbs you offered me. When you told me something, I believed it. But now I’m not so sure what I can believe. Are you married or something?”

  “Jesus Christ, Keelynn, I’m not married.” He actually scoffs, just barely refraining from rolling his eyes. But I can see something else in those dark, dark eyes. A flash of pain at the mention of marriage.

  “Well, then why else would you hide—”

  “I used to be married, all right?” he yells out. Stopping me mid-sentence. My eyes going wide.

  It takes me a moment to find my voice. And when I do it’s cracked and full of shock. “Used to?”

  “Yes,” he answers. Exasperated. “Tanner tracked me down, wanted to check in since it’s been awhile.”

  “Tracked you down? How could he do that?” Is he a damn spy or something?

  His eyes slide closed before opening and piercing me on the spot. An apology buried in the deep dark depths. “He’s FBI. That’s where we worked together.”

  I stumble back a step. Shocked. “FBI?” I feel like a broken record, repeating what he reveals as questions. But really? All these months and he’s been keeping it all from me.

  He moves toward me, halting after the first step when he sees the hurt in my eyes. “Come on, Sunshine. This is all irrelevant—”

  “How could any of this be irrelevant, Merrick?” Shock clear in my tone. Because, is he serious? “This was your life. Is your life. You clearly had one before you came here. Before me.” I swallow harshly. “I mean hell, Merrick. I just brought you to meet my grandparents. You said all those things to Trevor. Said all those things to me not even an hour ago. About protecting me and taking care of me. And then this happens?”

  His breathing turns labored, as if he’s in pain. I see his eyes glaze over in a daze as thoughts run wild through his mind. He shakes his head to clear it before his eyes fall back to mine. Looking down to me, eyes harder now. “You’re right. I’ve been keeping shit from you. But it’s because I can’t fucking talk about it.”

  “Why not?” Questions shoot off like rapid fire in my brain. Why can’t he talk about it? Is it confidential? Is he hiding something?

  “Because…” His voice is strained before he clears it and tries again. “Fuck, Keelynn. Why the fuck does this matter? I’m here—”

  “It matters because it’s you. Because I thought we meant something.”

  He blows out a deep, angry breath. “They died. Okay? Happy? My wife and…daughter.”

  Sadness bowls me over like a steamroller. Taking me down and leveling me. “Oh, Merrick,” I breathe out. Eyes filling rapidly.

  Loss. So much loss.

  “I never would have thought—”

  He shakes his head roughly. “They were taken from me, and I’ve been trying to move on ever since. Three years, and I couldn’t fucking breathe. Not until you.”

  Deep green eyes sadden even further. Turning emerald with emotion. I never wanted to see this look on her face. Never wanted my past to hurt her or cause her to pity me.

  “I am so sorry, Merrick. I feel like a damn fool now.”

  “It’s my fault. Should never have thought we could carry on without me telling you. Just something I don’t like talking about.”

  “Rightfully so,” she breathes out. “I get it.”

  Blowing out a deep breath, I lean against the nearest wall and look into Keelynn’s eyes.

  Hers widen then, as if a light bulb just went off. “Lena,” she whispers. Wide eyes closing tightly. Lids squeezed shut. “She reminds you of your daughter. Doesn’t she? That’s why it’s been so hard for you to be around her.”

  Green eyes look up at me now. Waiting on my answer.

  I nod in lieu of words. Because my throat feels raw, like I swallowed a sheet of sandpaper.

  “I am so sorry, Merrick.”

  I shake my head at her apology. “Nothing for you to be sorry for.”

  “Still…”

  Silence surrounds us as her words trail off. Pain—thick and heavy—settling over us.

  Blowing out another breath I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans. Then when the silence becomes too much, I start to tell her about Tanner, how we met, going into the bureau together.

  I don’t say much about Stacy. Just that we met in college and leave it at that.

  I never mention anything about Lila.

  But I open up more to her now than I ever thought I would. And it feels good telling her. Sharing with her. Although, I still can’t bring myself to talk about Stacy and Lila. And she doesn’t ask me to. Now that she knows what I had, and what I lost, she’s calmed down and is listening intently on what I do share.

  And as she sees my memories start to haunt me, she steps up to me, tells me it’s all okay, and then kisses me. Long and deep and full of so much emotion. Wiping away every past memory Tanner’s appearance brought up and filling my mind with nothing but want for her.

  I may have lost everything. But it damn sure feels like I’m gaining it all back with Keelynn in my arms.

  MY HEART RACES AS I lie beside him, tucked under his arm. The most gorgeous and brooding man I’ve ever known. With his dark hair and even darker eyes. Chiseled jaw and piercing stare. Massive body and protective heart.

  My fingers glide slowly across his chest while his travels from my breast, down my torso, following the deep curve of my waist. The light spattering of his dark chest hair tickles my fingertips as my thoughts run wild.

  “Tell me about them,” I whisper against his still heated skin. My lips brushing across the lethal steel wall of muscle that makes up his chest.

  I’ve wondered about his wife and daughter more than once since I found out a sliver of his past. If his wife was as beautiful as I imagine she would have been. If his daughter was as sweet as LeeLee. Right now may not be the best time to ask. After hours of lovemaking and passionate promises made between heated bodies. But after months of dancing around our feelings, then finally coming together, a small part of me can’t help but feel as if I have a right to know.

  His roaming hand stops on my hip and grasps tightly as my words register. Fingers denting my flesh.

  He clears his throat, but it does nothing to lessen the lump that’s lodged there. Not if his tone is anything to go by. “What do you want to know?” he croaks out. His body stiff as his
hand falls away from my hip.

  Shifting onto my stomach, I drop a fist to his chest and prop my chin up as I drape my upper body over his.

  Skin to skin. Heart to heart. His beating a frantic rhythm against mine.

  I lift my free hand to run through his tousled dark hair. His eyes close as I ask, “Whatever you want to tell me.”

  Deep, dark eyes the color of the night sky framed between fringes of even darker lashes stare at me intently. Scanning my face. Looking for what, I don’t know. But I just hold his stare. Letting him see whatever he needs before he continues.

  “I met Stacy at the beginning of my senior year in college. I was twenty-one, gearing up for my last year, not looking for anything serious because I knew the bureau was my next step.” His eyes take on a faraway look before they glass over. He swallows harshly before going on. “And then there she was.”

  A small smile lifts my lips at the reverence in his tone. The love. My heart aches for his loss. But jealousy is nowhere to be found. I’ve known that love before him, so I can’t fault him for having felt it before me as well.

  “We met at a coffee shop on campus. Her blue eyes drew me in, I got her number, we went on a few dates, and before I knew it we were a couple. Then three months later we found out she was two months along.”

  A small gasp leaves my mouth before I can stop it. He looks down at me with that beautiful little smirk across his full lips at my shock.

  “It didn’t matter though. Yeah, it was quick and unexpected, but I loved her and she loved me. So we vowed to make it work. Two months later, we were married in a small ceremony with her family and our few friends by our sides. My father had already passed at that point, so it was just me and my best friend, Tanner.”

  He clears his throat again and shifts on the bed. The sheets rustling around his legs. His big hands reach out and grab under my arms to pull me up his body. Blanketing himself with me. As if he’s seeking comfort from my touch.

  I’ll give him whatever he needs. Whenever he needs it.

  Forever.

  I turn my head and lay my cheek against his chest, tucked under his chin, as he brings his arms around my body. Bringing me in close before continuing.

  “Then almost five months later we welcomed Lila Rose Hughes into the world. So perfect wrapped in pink. Dark hair and crystal blue eyes. A replica of her mother, and I was so damn happy I could fucking burst. Life was perfect. Made even more so when I got into the FBI just under two years later. Making me one of the youngest agents the bureau had seen in years.”

  A smile stretches across my lips. Pride taking over the ache in my heart at imagining him fulfilling his dreams and kicking bad guy ass. But then the ache is back. My smile slowly slips off my face. Because I know what’s coming. And he didn’t just lose them. He lost himself, too.

  “We lived so fucking happily for five years. And then one day it all ended as if it never existed before. As if Stacy’s beautiful spirit never filled every room she walked into. As if Lila’s sweet giggle didn’t infect joy into every person who heard it. Just…gone.”

  My heart shatters at the pain lacing his deep voice.

  “It was an ordinary day. We were outside in our yard. I was pushing Lila on the swing set. I had just taken her down and she ran to Stacy, uninhibited laughter following after her. When out of nowhere a spray of bullets erupted around us.”

  I still in his arms. His chest heaves with anger. I knew it was bad, that he kept it locked up tight for a reason. And I knew he had been an FBI agent. But I had no idea it was this tragic. This gut-wrenching. I can feel his shoulders sag against the pillows at his back before he goes on.

  “I tried to save them. I really fucking tried. But one split second of shock cost me it all. Stacy was shot and killed immediately. But that didn’t stop me. I grabbed Lila and crawled to her mother. Hoping against hope I could save them. But there were too many bullets. My body wasn’t enough of a shield to protect Lila. Multiple bullets pierced straight through and took my baby from me…”

  He trails off as his breathing becomes too labored, too riddled with pain. And I can’t take one more second.

  I shift to straddle him, bringing my arms around his neck and dropping my forehead to his. Squeezing with all my might. Trying to transfer all the love I feel for this man into my embrace. “I am so sorry, Merrick.”

  I say nothing else as I let my tears fall for all he lost. Mixing with the silent ones he finally lets go. Because there’s nothing else to say. Nothing that will make any of the suffering he went through any less painful. Any less excruciating.

  We stay there, embraced in each other. Forehead to forehead. Sharing the same air. The same pain. The same loss.

  His heaving chest brushes my bare breasts, causing my sensitive nipples to strain against the contact. The air around us shifts as his ragged breathing of pain mixes with breaths of lust.

  My fingers unwind from the hair at the nape of his neck and trail down around his shoulders to his chest. Skimming down to his sides. Feeling the grooves of scars I’ve seen before but never knew the story behind.

  Sliding down his strong, long, hard body, I drop openmouthed kisses along his skin until I reach the marred flesh. “You’re so brave,” I whisper into him with conviction. “You’re so strong,” I add after another kiss to another scar.

  His body stiffens, and I can feel rather than see him shake his head. Disgust stains his tone. “I’m neither of those things. If I were, I would have saved them. They would be here.”

  I look up at him, my eyes welling with fresh tears. “But this body saved you,” I say through a dry throat. “I’m so sorry you lost them, honey. I’m so sorry you carry the weight of guilt around with you. But I can’t help but be thankful that this body saved you, because it ultimately led you right here. To me. To this moment.”

  His eyes soften with understanding. Mixing with the ache etched across his face.

  “I know I’m not what you hoped for in this life. That you vowed to love Stacy forever. That you thought the life you built together would last a lifetime.” I press my fingers to his lips when he goes to interject. “And I know I could never replace her. Nor do I want to. But if you really give us a chance, I’d be honored to show you that I’m worthy of you giving that love again.”

  A gentle finger traces the features of my face before he palms my cheek. “You’re fucking perfect. You know that, Sunshine?” I begin to shake my head, but he grips my chin between gentle fingers. Halting my denial. “You are,” he stresses. “I don’t know what I did to have two such amazing women in my life. I know I don’t fucking deserve you. But I’m so damn thankful that I get this second chance. With you.”

  I melt then. Fall right into his greedy lips and needy hands. Getting lost in everything he is, all he used to be, and every single thing I’ll ever need.

  LAST NIGHT PLAYS BACK THROUGH my mind as the coffee maker whirs behind me. If I didn’t know it before, I damn well know it now. Keelynn Masters has singlehandedly taken down every one of my walls and obliterated them. Replacing all my darkness with her light. Making me feel more than anger and pain for the first time in three years.

  I’m fucking gone for her. Falling hard. Jesus Christ, but I’m pretty sure I’m already there.

  Fallen.

  In love.

  With everything this woman has to offer, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about it.

  Because this wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to find a second chance. I was supposed to act out my plan, get revenge, and then get gone.

  But now, fuck… Now it’s all changed. She’s become everything. Everything I fucking need.

  And after everything that happened yesterday. Tanner showing up. Her hurt about my deceit. The pain over my past that I didn’t tell her. The fight about what I kept hidden.

  Then spilling my guts about my deceased wife and daughter. What happened. How they were taken from me. That I wasn’t able to save them.


  She took all of that in stride. She was hurt of course, felt betrayed. But once she knew the truth, or most of it, she understood. She got why I didn’t tell her, why I couldn’t, and then blew me the fuck away when she wanted to talk about them. To know about them. And she didn’t make me feel guilty for them. Not once.

  Because she got it, she understood. Her losses making her understand me that much more.

  “Morning.” Her soft, sleepy voice has me turning my head. Dark hair falls around her in a rumpled mess. A small fist rubs one eye as the green of the other peeks out between her lids, squinting against the harsh morning light. My too big T-shirt almost hits her knees and falls off one bare shoulder.

  She’s never looked more beautiful.

  “Morning,” I reply as my eyes devour each step she takes toward me.

  When she reaches my side she wraps her arms around my left one before threading slim fingers through mine. Leaning into me as she rests her forehead against my bicep.

  I lean down to drop a kiss on the top of her messy head. She groans. “Coffee.”

  A chuckle bubbles from my chest at her zombie-like tone. “It’s coming, baby.”

  Any other time of the day, Keelynn is smiling so damn big I can’t help but think her cheeks must need a break. But I’ve found her weakness. Mornings. She is not a morning person at all. Get some caffeine into her though and that smile blossoms wide across her face. Lighting up everything around her.

  But before that, she gives me a run for my money in the grumpy department. Something I like to remind her of on a daily basis.

  “Your grump is showing again.”

  She lifts her head then. Eyes narrowed. Brows bunched. Stepping back, she lets go of my hand and arm, then lifts a finger to poke at my chest. “Don’t go there, tough guy. It’s too dang early for your pestering.”

  I chuckle again. Because goddamn is she cute.

  “Now back away from the coffee so nobody gets hurt.” A tiny fist waves between us before smacking into the palm of her other hand. Indicating she means business.

  Lifting my hands in surrender, I take a giant step back as she moves to the counter. Playing this game with her. “Yes ma’am,” I drawl out. Smirk in place.