Everything I Need Page 16

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I watch her watch me.

  “But what isn’t okay is how you’re stalking around, that look on your face.”

  I breathe hard through my nose, looking down at my feet.

  “It’s killing me not knowing what you’re thinking and how tonight must have made you feel. I love you too much to let you worry in silence when we can talk about it and work through it.”

  My head snaps up. “Love?” I question her. My heart drumming a hard beat in my chest. Everything else she said completely taken over by that one word.

  “Yes,” she replies as she stomps her tiny foot. Hands fisted at her sides. Her tone incredulous, like I should have known. “Love, Merrick. The kind that rules over everything. When your heart’s on your sleeve and your soul’s full of fire. It’s all-consuming. Powerful. Blinding. That kind of love. When you can’t see straight or hear clearly or exist properly without it. Without them. Without that one person who makes you complete, whole. Without that love drowning and healing and saving you. Because that’s what you’ve done for me. What you continue to do for me. You consume me, Merrick. You heal me with your touch and save me with your love.”

  I stand there. Looking at her. No smile on her beautiful face. Just wide eyes pleading with me to understand, to hear her. To get what she’s saying.

  But what she doesn’t understand is that I’m already there. Drowning with her. Being healed and saved in ways I never thought possible.

  “When Trevor died—” She shakes her head, eyes to the floor, before they lift to me again. Whenever she mentions his name she always pauses, it’s like a reflex. I don’t know if it’s because it hurts to say his name or if it’s for my sake. Or both. But as I’ve told her before she never has to worry about saying his name around me. Because he may have had her past, but I’m ready to share her future. “When he died, I was so lost. Felt so alone. Months and months went by feeling the same way. I hid behind my smile because it was easier that way. It was easier to be what I had always been, despite the deep ache taking over every inch of my body. Easier than the constant questions. The constant worry from the few people I had left in my life.

  “And then…then you walked into my world and completely turned it upside down. Made it vivid and bright and real. Whole. You made me whole again without me even realizing it was happening. Until it did. And now I can’t ignore it, Merrick. I can’t. And I don’t want to.”

  Two steps. One breath. That’s all it takes for me to reach her. Grab hold of her. And slam my mouth down to hers. Claiming her lips. Tasting her tongue. Devouring her love. Letting it own me, complete me. Piece my broken heart and battered soul back together until all it knows is her.

  Slowly pulling my lips away, I gently drop my forehead to hers, careful of the small bandage on her forehead. Waiting for those eyes that sear my soul.

  When her lids part, I stare and breathe and live in the deep green eyes of the woman I’ve fallen in love with. “I love you, too, Sunshine.”

  A sob breaks between us as a huge smile lifts her cheeks. Blinding and brighter than the sun. ”You do?”

  Then I kiss her again in way of answering. Because I can’t not. Those lips of hers too tempting. Especially after those three words that just passed them.

  “That’s why, Merrick,” she breathes out when she pulls away. “That’s why I keep asking how you are. Because I love you, and I know tonight had to bring up some painful parts of your past. And I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “You’re right, Sunshine. It did bring shit up. But then I focused on you and that’s all I’m worried about. So please let me get you cleaned up and showered so I can get you into bed.”

  “Only if you’ll join me,” she says through a shy yet sexy smile.

  “Try and stop me,” I reply. My worry gone for the moment when I think of her wet and naked under the spray of the shower.

  I don’t know how she does it. One minute I was ready to explode with rage and the next I’m ready to burst with need.

  But that’s just the type of woman she is. The perfect one to balance out all my hard.

  And that’s why I’ll do anything to protect her.

  IT’S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE the night at the bowling alley. Two days since I finally told Merrick I love him.

  And two days since he said it back.

  I smile at the thought of how many times we’ve said it since.

  It felt so good to get those three little words that mean the most out between us. Felt so good letting him know how I really feel. It felt even better hearing them back, knowing how I felt was reciprocated.

  My smile drops though when I think about how he’s been off since the night of the bowling alley, despite the I love yous.

  Ever since that night he’s been almost erratic. One minute quiet and brooding, the next playful and loving. But I figure that night just rattled him as much as it did me.

  Shaking my head, I go about tidying up the bedroom. Trying to do it quickly while Merrick’s out of the room. Along with his erratic behavior, he’s been even bossier the last couple of days.

  I know it comes from a good place, he’s just trying to make sure I’m really okay after hitting my head, but the man barely lets me lift a finger when I’m fine. My headache’s gone and all that’s left are a few cuts that will heal in no time.

  So I hurry about trying to pick up the few things of mine lying around. Along with a few of his T-shirts and pants.

  He’s been living with me for two months now, but he still lives out of his duffle bag. Something I’ve tried to bring up, but didn’t know how to broach because I wasn’t exactly sure where we stood. Now that I know, I plan on asking him to finally hang up his clothes and stay awhile.

  Picking up the discarded clean shirt on top of his duffle to fold, I notice the edge of a notebook sticking out.

  I know I shouldn’t, that it’s an invasion of his privacy, but it’s like I can’t control my own body. My mind is screaming no, my heart is racing with nerves, but my hand is reaching into the open duffle bag, grabbing the notebook, and opening it up.

  My tummy bottoms out along with my heart as my hand flies to my mouth. Catching the gasp that explodes past my lips.

  Dates and times are scribbled across the pages. Details of whereabouts and actions. Rough sketches of blueprints are folded between pages. The name Corsetti is underlined and repeated often. Plans of how to invade a warehouse on the outskirts of town fill up page after page. The date just two days from now.

  Bile rises swiftly up my throat, but I manage to swallow it down.

  This.

  This is why he’s been off lately. So secretive.

  Despite what happened the other day, our shared I love yous had put me at ease. I thought he was just struggling with what happened that night. Especially because of his past and how he lost Stacy and Lila.

  But this is why. Because of some…vengeful attack he has planned.

  I’m still standing in the middle of my room, notebook in hand, when Merrick’s voice carries through the open doorway.

  “Sunshine, you doing okay?”

  I hear his footsteps, but I can’t answer. Too shocked and hurt to even move.

  “Sunshine? You—what are you doing?” His tone switching from light to hard in an instant.

  “What is this?” My voice barely a whisper.

  Silence greets me. So I ask again. A little bit louder this time.

  “I asked…what is this, Merrick?”

  He clears his throat. “It’s none of your business.” He hesitates a second before he says it. Like he doesn’t want to.

  If I thought I was hurt before when I found this, it’s nothing compared to the blow those words deliver. “None of my—how is it none of my business that the man I love is plotting this…this attack?”

  “Because it has nothing to do with you!” he yells. Angry.

  “I may not be why you’re doing this, but it damn well does have to do with me
, Merrick. Because you do!” I yell right back.

  He’s pacing now. A rough hand running through his hair. “Put the fucking book down, Keelynn.” His voice ordering me, but his eyes apologizing. He doesn’t want to be doing this, but feels he has to.

  I toss the notebook to his feet where he bends to pick it up. Folding it and shoving it into the back pocket of his jeans.

  “You need to forget you ever saw that.”

  “How am I supposed to do that, Merrick. Huh? You’re planning on…oh God. You’re actually planning on killing these people, aren’t you?” I ask through a shocked whisper.

  He stays silent. Eyeing me. Pleading with me not to do this.

  “Aren’t you?” I yell again.

  He doesn’t want to answer. But does anyway.

  “Those motherfuckers need to pay for what they did. What they took from me. They took innocent lives that had absolutely nothing to do with him. Nothing!” His roar is so loud I swear it rattles the windows.

  “It was a fucking bloodbath. One I shouldn’t have survived. But I fucking did and they didn’t. And it was all my fault. My case that brought him down that caused his fury to plan the ambush.

  “It was me that should have died that day, not them. But because I lived and they died, I have to make it right. An eye for a fucking eye. His life for theirs. All of their fucking lives for theirs.”

  Tears stream down my cheeks as I stare up at the man who has become absolutely everything I need over these last few months. But now he’s a complete stranger to me. Someone I barely recognize through the anger and guilt and hatred I thought we conquered.

  Together.

  “You don’t need to do this,” I plead with my heart on my sleeve.

  Harshly, he shakes his head from side to side before pinning me with his deep, dark eyes. “They deserve revenge. Their lives need a purpose. They deserve that.” His words hold so much anguish mixed with love and determination. He truly believes this is the only way.

  Sadness and anger bleed out of me as I cry. Because of him and for him.

  “But don’t you see, you’re their purpose.”

  His body stills. His eyes wide and mouth tight as he looks down at me in almost…wonder. Like he can’t believe I’d say that or truly believe it.

  But I do. With my entire being.

  “Your life, our second chance, that’s the purpose. You’re their purpose,” I cry out.

  You’re their purpose.

  Three simple words have never hit me so hard. Not even the three smaller ones whispered by Stacy for six years that filled me up with so much happiness.

  The same ones I crave to hear from Keelynn’s lips. The ones that make me realize how I would live out the rest of my life trying to make sure I’m worthy of them.

  Ones I said for the first time in three years just two days ago and meant with every fucking fiber of my being.

  But this, I need to do this. Finish what I set out to do. What’s been the plan all along.

  So although those three simple words knock my world off its axis and carry a weight so heavy it’s like a boulder on my chest, I still can’t help the fact that I need to fucking do this.

  For them.

  And for me.

  My eyes take her in as her deep green eyes shine behind a river of tears.

  Her bright smile nowhere in sight.

  Chin trembling.

  Cheeks wet with sadness and pain from the lies and secrets.

  Arms wrapped tight around her middle.

  “I have to do this,” I vow. My heart breaking right along with hers.

  Eyes widen slightly before she says on a sob, “Please, Merrick. No.” Big tears falling down her gorgeous face.

  And then, with the weight of the world settled yet again on my shoulders, I turn around and walk out.

  I follow the hallway to her front door.

  I open it and stalk to my truck.

  I pull out of the driveway. Her house in my rearview.

  Leaving her there. My second chance.

  My forever.

  I HAVEN’T BEEN BACK HERE in so long it doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Not that it ever was. Just a place to lay my head at night. To keep my clothes and the few belongings I do have.

  Lying in the empty bed, sheets covering my legs, I put my hands behind my head and think about how it all went to shit so fast.

  I can’t blame her. For her not wanting me to do what I’ve planned—and have—to do. For being pissed and upset that I kept so much from her.

  I can’t blame her for begging me not to go through with it.

  It’s all on me. Every single fucking thing is on me.

  The reason Stacy and Lila are dead.

  The reason I’ve lost my second chance at forever.

  Everything.

  But she doesn’t understand why I have to do this. She doesn’t get that Stacy’s and Lila’s lives can’t be for not. That they deserve the retribution I’m seeking.

  You’re their purpose.

  Breathing deep, I sit up and spin my legs over the side of the bed. Dropping my feet to the floor.

  Leaning over I reach into the nightstand drawer next to me and pull out the only evidence I have left of my past.

  Besides the memories and the nightmares.

  The evidence I’ve kept hidden in every nightstand in every town I’ve been in since that day. The only tangible piece of them I have left from what seems to be a lifetime ago.

  Flipping it over, I allow myself to look at their faces for the first time in months.

  Staring up at me are identical sets of blue eyes. Crystal clear and happier than ever. It was taken at the beach two days before my world ended.

  Stacy and Lila have their near identical faces smushed together cheek to cheek. Wide smiles covering their faces.

  I remember staring at them right before this, giggling and talking as they built a sandcastle and wanting to capture the moment forever.

  Needing to.

  So I yelled out “say cheese” and this is the result.

  Smiles bright.

  Eyes shining.

  Pure happiness covering their faces.

  I’m damn glad I did. This is the last happy memory I have of them. What I want to remember forever. Not my guilt or my hatred and want for revenge.

  But they’re worth all that. Deserve it. Because I should have saved them that day.

  You’re their purpose.

  I drop my head between my shoulders. Heavy and guilt ridden. Even more so than before. Because as I’m staring at my past, Keelynn’s words penetrate my mind. Her terrified and sad green eyes following right behind.

  Now I carry the weight of disappointing her on top of the guilt of losing Stacy and Lila.

  I breathe out another heavy breath, my finger tracing along their faces. “You’d like her,” I say to the framed photo as if Stacy’s really here with me. “If it were a different time, a different life, I think you would have been friends.”

  I think about Keelynn like I have been since I left her standing in the middle of her bedroom.

  “She’s kind and gentle. Sweet. But feisty. She can stand up for herself when she needs to. She’s a lot like you, but…she’s not you, Stace. And as the months have gone by I’ve come to realize that’s okay. And that it’s okay to move on.”

  I stop. Trying to catch my breath and my thoughts and wondering what the fuck I’m doing talking to a photo of my dead wife and daughter. But realizing I can’t stop.

  “And as much as she gets me, as much as she gets the pain and the loss from everything she’s suffered, she doesn’t understand it’s why I’m here. What I’ve been planning needs to happen. Because although I’ve found my second chance, my first deserves to rest in peace knowing I’ve finally made it right.”

  I lie here in my bed without him. His husky, manly scent and cologne all over the sheets. I can’t help wondering and worrying where he is.

  Hoping and praying that he’s all right
, that he’s safe; that he’ll rethink everything he’s planned.

  After he left, I hit my knees and broke. I shattered into a million pieces, a billion tears. I cried because of him. I cried for him.

  Then when I realized he wasn’t coming back, I picked myself up and crawled into bed. Crying another billion tears. My heart breaking again and again. Because he left me and took my love along with him.

  I haven’t felt this alone in months. Not since the day before he crashed into my world.

  Literally.

  I was so lost before Merrick came into my life. I was lonely and going about my day to day without actually living. I was merely existing. Just thinking about the life that I lost the day Trevor died.

  Until deep, dark eyes that held the same amount of pain as my heart held me captive.

  Then I was lost to him. To his broodiness, his devilish smirk, his fierce character. And the way he made me feel was unlike anything I’d ever known.

  The passion, the chemistry, the connection.

  I thought it was all real. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months I thought we were building something true.

  Even if sometimes it felt as if it was going too fast.

  Because even at warp speed it felt so right.

  But today showed me I was wrong. So wrong.

  He wasn’t here for a change of scenery. He wasn’t a man with nothing or no one.

  He was a man running from his pain, straight into his past, seeking revenge for the love he lost.

  I could never compete with that. Not with Stacy herself, but with her memory. Because he hasn’t let go and he never will. Not if he holds onto what was done to her and their precious little girl. Still letting the anger fuel his pain.

  The worst part of it all is that I can’t blame him for how he feels. I can’t judge him for that, because although I know his loss, it isn’t the same. How I lost Trevor is nowhere near how he lost Stacy. I don’t know that kind of pain.

  And how can I ask him to choose me over the woman he fathered a daughter with? One that he lost.

  That’s why when he said he had to do this, and I saw the look in his eyes and heard the conviction in his tone, that I watched him walk out without much of a fight. Because he’s here for them. He’s always been here for them.